Dandelions und Nettles

2011-08-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

i have been gathering energies to make it happen for a few months. finally! the summer is almost over, full swing, with herbs, wanted or not growing wildly over our garden, right along with all the beautiful veggies, flowers and fruits abounding. we have two giants squashes, lots of salads, pole beans, bush beans, chard, and calendula, giant sunflowers, yummy potatoes, 7-10 eggs per day(when the chickens don’t get to them first :0) unfortunately we let the tomatoes get overrun with squash and responded much too late- all the plants are dead, or dying with a brown mold/sickness. another of our learning by doing experiences. today I harvested the salad seed with vivienne, and would love to share with anyone interested in also trying it next year. it’s a crisp, mild flavor, with green and red coloring, a “pick salad, where you take the outer leaves off and it continues to grow new leaves on the inside. let me know if you want to try some, even if you don’t have any seeds to trade just yet!

Vivienne is growing growing oh my! not so much in height or outwardly, but her mind is processing everything, she is speaking(she looooves to talk on the cell phone if we are) and she understands most everything. she is doing some really super cute stuff now-like crawling on the floor like a cat, saying meowh and playing with the cats outside, picking veggies and seeds, cutting food, eating, breastfeeding, pooping in the potty, or outside, whereever she can then point to and say poo poo! pretty much amazingg! we are both so enjoying this time with her! there are also the times when she just wants to cry, and we have also become more understanding of hearing her-letting her cry, but never pushing her away to cry in a corner, holding her if she wants or just being with her, letting her also express how she feels (when there is not something else we can find to help releave her pain or frustration. she is very sure of what she wants and doesn’t want, and says in her own way-hey exactly that! its sometimes challenging, but it is also a period of growth for the two of us, to not freak out with that-which is sometime easy to do!

well, come and see her, us before she is smoking! jk!

another year has passed, and with it I am 24. I have been living in germany now for almost 2 years-starting september, and with the time, i am building an open, attachment positive and aware family. I have grown a lot, and I mean a lot a lot. in many different ways, but the biggest I feel is being much more confident in the way and direction I want to parent with my partner, and daughter.

moving away from winning/losing,best/worst; and toward expressing feelings of all sorts-happy, sad, angry and all in between together and with each other. not pushing feelings away but making them building stones for our life together. and it feels really good. I have remembered so many childhood memories over the last two years, mostly being brought up through situations and experiences related to parenting and releasing the fears and problems from my own childhood, and have done a lot of work to feel, feel the pain that still lingers.

the month of august marks our meeting back in france, 3 years ago, ralfs birthday (on the 21^st) and his month off of work. it has been so far really busy, with moving, and building, cleaning the chickens house as they had fleas and other bugs, garden work, and….

this weekend we finally bought a bus! a 40 year old mercedes benz 407D, that was first a mail truck. I will put some pictures up soon, as it is really awesome, and after working all day to fix different broken things ralf looks pretty hardcore too, black and greasy. her name is spicy rucula. she is multi color green, and she is more or less a vacation home, but maybe in the future she will become our permanent traveling home, depending how work goes here. we want to build the inside again with a natural wood and make it alittle less 80’s.

i love reading stuff like this. it makes me miss my roots, my home county, my people. very often i have the feeling of being weighed down, of not being able to accomplish what i would like, or at least to the extent i would like because i have chosen to have a child, and want to have more. Its a constant issue for me. a struggle between family herstory and present goals and desires accruing in my heart, mind and soul. of wanting to give and be for a small person, and at the same time realizing that to be able to meet another's needs i need to have certain things met for myself. I feel I could go much deeper into this topic, contact me if you wish to too.

a while back-last month or so- i left a pot of beef bones on the heat (wanting to make stock) and (planning to come right back) forgot about it, a friend came to visit and we got excited about making rose cuttings and picking veggies...so i came back to an apartment that ralf was just coming out of...stinky and sticky. the smell of burnt fat was literally over every single thing in our apartment. and its taken a while to make that mostly go away…Now we are fully moved, as of the 3 of Aug. we live about 5 min. walking distance from where we did before-now right next to our chickens with a big ass garden!

the reason we have moved- living on the 2nd floor in one of the five houses here gives ralf often the feeling he is never off work, and we think this is mostly the reason why very few of the coworkers of handicapped people also decide to live on site. giving your all during the week and not really being able to relax isnt so great. there are also handicapped people living where we are now, but it feels better. the biggest thing for both of us is that we will have a garden to use right out side the door! maybe if we stay here longer-we have a six month contract ending in Feb. '12- we could build an outdoor kitchen and bread oven, to take more of the house life activities outdoors as well. the apartment was left pretty trashed, we must also create a kitchen from our own resources.

i would love to hear from all of you!

lovelove

jessica

oh! and our cell number is: 01779193397

this is the only way we can be reached right now, as we have no land line(until the 24th or so)

some photos are posted to facebook: see them under this link!

ode to a rejoicing world.

2011-04-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

how spring pulses through my being! how green leaves and white flowers rush head long with their waves of fresh, new energy all over me. a white, long winter behind, the heights of summer yet to come, yea for being alive!
a daily wild salad of a variety of leaves, flowers, wild greens, nettle soup/spinach and homemade sourdough bread with wild garlic butter, meets excited baby with 6 full teeth, two large molars breaking through in the back, and creates a colorful table chair and floor as all of this swirls(more or less) towards a tiny happy mouth. we walk outside(yes she is walking, but for now with the help of a pair of hands) or run or fall and try again, to pick more flowers and wonder at the natural world around us. we play in our garden, which is being continually in a state of growth, change and flow, flowers planted there, picked and deposited over there, and gleeful squeals as bees land all around.
starting kundalini yoga with another mama, gardening, cooking, laughing, massaging, forest walking, talking, learning, kombucha making, backing, building, crafting, maybe learning to felt?. ya know the daily rhythm. singing dancing, in general making peace in myself and with all around me. it is love!

i will be loading more pictures up on facebook, but here is a start:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2099308&id=42901852&l=69d36eac7e

this weekend our first overnight visitors all arive at the same time-my cousin Kyla, andRalfs mother Dini and his sister Suzi. then we are taking a week vacation to look for work around Berlin, and see the beautiful city! i am super excited, and at the same time preparing myself for the drastic change from country life to city life.
maybe i will write more about this, but probably not so....
over the winter i finally started reading a book series called Anastasia that i had heard about first while at camphill from a crazy lady, then from clay in Wa, then online from another mama. so i bought the first one...and after reading through all nine books am so thankful for such a beautiful image, life, woman, so full of a different hope for the world. it has brought my interest to study permaculture to a whole new level and i hope to travel to the eastern part of europe/russia sometime over the next few years, learning permaculture and more about community living. if you read the books, it would be fun to talk about them together sometime!
over the winter we had alot of problems with getting sick and it made me rethink alot of the diet choices i have been making over the last few years. a huge one is turning away from a high meat based diet, another away from a dairy dependence. aka not following so strictly to nourishing traditions, more towards an herbal diet-one filled with lots of what is growing around me. a local diet, not buying many things from outside of germany(specifically with fresh foods) and ever further trying to buy just from the farmers around me, organic, demeter certified (biodynamic) and small.
i feel really good. and so does viv. ralf is still in another place though....i have stopped my sugar free lifestyle and adopted more a- i choose what sugar i eat and am very picky about what i want that has sugar. and i like it. i made tirimasu for the first time since....and maybe basil ice cream soon.
food has always interested me and i think it always will. now i want to live more outside in nature rather than feeling caught, trapped to cook in a space that is comparatively dark and feel free to eat when i feel hungry, not just at a specifically predisposed time-not really possible for anyone with official boss and co.
thats a snapshot of a welcome to spring. i send lots of love from this beautiful forest and hope it finds you well! may all the elves help you find your way today!
love
jessica

news from a learn'n womyn

2010-11-15T05:28:00.000-08:00

back to Westerwald in August, visiting the "garden" i turned by hand, and then we seeded with calendula!!, sleep on papa walk

bubbubb!

baby chicks, a few days after we bought them, making elderberry elixer for winter

fun in the hen house, carrot time!

sun bathing and swimming in the river right below us.

papas hat!

taking apart the car...the cooler broke!

first time camping with baby

making new friends-from france and portugal. this little guy is 2 months younger than viv, but with so much hair he looks the same age, if not older!

riding goats and pigs at a sister farm in the Weckelweiler community

so curious

making applesauce, fixing the fence for the chickens to be outside-with hawks and foxes and others its better to be safe than loose precious egg layers!

peekaboo, new friend Emile, 1 wk older LOOVES viv!

sleepin with papa, chillin in bed

another sister farm with lamas and alpacas, the telephone is so much funnn!

snugglin, heyhey you

butter was everywhere

lots of fun with new and used toys

kiss and cuddle

yellow mustard growing, holderhof the farm is behind, growing chicks!!

picking apples, fun at local events

washing, chopping, pressing apples=40 liters apple juice for Most(typical old timer drink here-just fermented) and cider

i planted this herb outside,but quickly found out it doesnt like frost...thankfully it didnt die. it smells so wonderful!!! , lunchtime

crawling,snuggling

yes, some times she isnt happy either, standing

fun with oma and opa, showing everything i can do now

in wekelweiler greenhouse garden, and outside stealing apples no one wants

bye bye

visiting the "what it used to be like here in the country"museum is there a name for that??

eating wild fresh berries Schlehe in duetsch..., pee time or really mirror time

drumming, really all music viv loooves!, standing tahdah!

potty time

whats jessica up to? spinning! we were given an old spinning wheel for free, and though its not as smooth as our teachers, it does work! (sometimes)

helping and learning right alongside

fall is almost finished. the trees are coming back to this state of nakedness I found I loved so much when I would walk in the winter here. its been a year and two months of germany. leaves. some are dangling still, most blanket the forest in a padding of juicy nutrients. baby is 8 months and a bit. growing every second. the two of us have gathered, raked and piled leaves to make a compost for use at a later time. as I walk through the woods to our chickens everyday the swishing noise gets viv excited-so much so she starts to bounce in the sling on my back. she loves the chickens, and is always curious what they will do next, running, here and there scattered as the grain is all over the floor. this kid is amazing, wonderful, so special. she loves all types of misic-especially playing drums with ralf, singing with me, playing the mbira together... soon i will start getting lessons for accordeon in exchange for the english lessons i am giving to the russian music therapist here.

she is crawling. in her own way, one leg to the side and one straight up to push as she brings her hands to the floor and pushes/pulls her way around. its so fun to participate, or even just watch her. last weekend with ralfs parents were visiting, ralf was building towers all over the apartment and she would follow him, swiping them over when she got close enough. she is so interested in everything, but very slowly, sometimes watching or only delicately touching before playing really roughly or throwing stuff. she sleeps between us usually one hand on both of us, waking 3-6 times in the night to pee and drink. the last week she has had a cold, and I feel like that has been pretty regular, a stuffy nose and cranky, sometimes not sleeping very long in the night because she cant breastfeed and breathe at the same time.

she like to play with food. a lot. splashing water, squishing pumpkin, spreading butter. trying everything, but mostly liking sour stuff-lemons, capers, vinegar and fatty stuff-cream and butter. she bit into the onion I was chopping and I took it back because she looked confused and her eyes were really red. we are pretty free with foods, as I want her to feel comfortable and able to explore her world, I find the clean and tidy person in me is mostly what steps in the way but i realize more and more, why should I care if her clothes have squash on them? why do we have such a rule to always have children clean? they need to explore and learn so what the hell. let them, maybe I get dirty a lot too, I am learning to be at peace with the stains. we aren’t feeding her something special though. no ”baby food”. I chomp stuff up and offer it to her, but most of the time she likes bigger pieces she can hold.

she likes the toys we have for her, but only if we play with her with them (or another kid is playing with them) otherwise whatever we are doing is way more interesting! when I hold her in my arms as she sleeps (not so often in the day) her heavy body molds to mine, she sighs, twists my nipple and flickers her eyes. its passing so fast, and yet is so wonderful. most of the time now she can hold releasing pee or poo for a few more seconds for me to rush her to the potty. when she gets a cold-or as today I saw the upper teeth coming out-she has two bottom teeth- the potty training isn’t really possible, but most of the time she is playing with just a cotton cloth on in her pants. pretty super eh?!

one thing she really doesn’t like is the car seat. a few minutes are ok, but I try to avoid it because really, it shouldn’t be necessary. our lives should be possible without it, but that’s not the reality. I need to meet others, and this is the way. we need to buy our food still, milk ect.

she bites our fingers or our bodies sometimes –really hard. two teeth can be very painful and we try to show it really does hurt us, but she keeps doing it, I think also related to teething.

i am starting to enjoy myself too, finding really wonderful friends and coming into what is possible for me to do with a baby in tow. but it goes up and down.

on my part many reasons have kept me from writing, sharing my heart, soul, my tender and strong, much of me being made new, repaired, every moment. i have be struggling a lot with depression the last months. maybe its still from my camphill times, but the situations of late make me feel without energy, without motivation, no desire some days to even continue living or try this living in another land thing. I started finally talking about it three weeks ago when I hit the most bottom I thought I could hit. I have talked with ralf a lot about getting help, but turning to ‘professional help’ in my mind mostly means anti depressants, not dealing with the causes only putting a lid on it until I stop medication. that doesn’t interest me.

I know its related to being alone with a baby, because I only feel it when we are alone for long periods together. I am fine being alone, but with a baby you are not alone in the same sense at all. being alone with a baby, even when you want to give it the best you have and care for every need it might have, I am finding is not healthy because your needs as a woman, human, mother end up not being met, and expecting your partner to meet all of them when he gets off of work tired, stressed ect is mostly not possible. its not sustainable either. so I started asking moms I have been meeting with if they have had depression before and what they have done…I really liked that one asked if I have a motherly figure to go to when I want support. and knowing that I don’t have the support I once had living in seattle as a single female is hard. I loved being petted and caressed by my friends, laying together under the stars close, having contact. why is it expected that we don’t touch each other except for between lovers, or the occasional hug??? I think here people are even less contact oriented than in the usa. I need contact, I thrive with it, feel the loss without it.

I have also been contemplating some frustrations I have with what I remember from the feminist classes I took in college. from what I remember, and please correct me if you remember otherwise, we never talked about other ways to do birth, only that all these mother hormones were not real. something I frankly find untrue with natural birth. or that being a SAHM (stay at home mother) cannot equal ‘true feminism’ because you need to be able to support yourself, but pay for someone else to watch your children while you work and then do childcare at night.

we don’t have a space for a garden yet, but I(we) have been doing random projects around where we might be moving next year, a 15 min walk from ralfs work, called Holderhof, where our chickens are now, like raised beds and scything and picking herbs and drying them, leaf composts ect. I read ‘Gias Garden’, a book about permaculture and am pretty much in love with the ideas. maybe I have said this already but I am super into it. or I am also thinking about looking to live elsewhere, closer to people, so we don’t need to use the car a lot. I have two mama friends living in a village about 10 min. from us and it would be extremely ideal to live closer to them. I find we are similar in interests, and I feel I can learn a lot from them.

we have been picking whatever fruit we can find, apples, elderberries, pears, quince and making lots of different stuff, sauce, dried, in juice, jelly all without sugar added as I have not picked it back up since april. I do enjoy honey on a regular basis though. so much good stuff here, it makes me sad that so few people pick up the fruits from their trees then buy it in the store. its such a waste of the gift the good.earth gives us. and when cellars are still a norm here, why not save it for the winter time? I know we would if we had the option.

lots of the trees here were filled with fruit before winds came, and we harvested a lot of the leftovers, about 7 big crates then juiced them all with a little hand held juicer we found in a trash pile (its missing a leg to stand on, but otherwise super) we made 20 liters into Most a traditional fermented drink here that is unpasteurized and just kept cool and 20 liters into apple cider-with whey and salt. we have no cellar here but have a little space under the roof that is cold, so thought that would be good enough, unfortunately both taste really off after fermenting for a few weeks and we saw that mice are biting into the plastic, which would be so so bad if we opened the door one day to find 40 liters (*20 gallons?)of apple drink floating there….

on other fermenting news I leave out a jar of milk every few days to ferment and make into cream cheese, whey and sour cream-such a different flavor than purchased varieties. I made sourdough bread a few weeks ago that was delicious, and the last two weeks yeasted bread, but all milled a few hours or days before using and its been a fun process.

that’s a little of what’s goin down in germany. I am not a blogger. I don’t have the interest to update often. I know that’s what a lot of people would like, but its not me. if you would like more of an update, calling or setting up a time we could talk on the phone would be way better! then you can hear vivi’s voice and I can hear about your life too!! we welcome visitors!!

love and peace

jessica

summer fun and fotos

2010-08-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

So here is the long awaited photo show of jun-august. i really dont know how so many moms have so much time to post and write online. vivi doesnt let me stop moving for very long, and wont take a nap by herself for more than 10-20 min before waking up and crying. so here goes::
josh! my youngest brother is so big!!, building ducks; seeing Amys cool chicks in seattle, one of my close friends, whom i learned so many things about parenting in a new much better way.

Jason, and Bethany...both have grown so tall since we were with them last august. i love and miss my siblings so much!

heather and jins rehearsal dinner, cara, bethany, jerry(my father) right to left
the wedding day! dressed up and meeting old friends and family....

Bethany finishing the decorations on the cake, Dr. Jen and daughter Sophia, the princess at the ball, and Jin, Heathers man

Josh before...trying so hard to not get dirty and still have fun, on the rope swing

Abigail so beautiful and friends Ray and Doretta

the lovers, and the linnenkohl family kids -we are all saying something different-

Heather and her mother in law , Jerry and Heather walking down the aisle(or sorts)

Jin waiting and the groom party, my grown (ing) up sibblings Abby and Jason

checking out all the new things at the reception dinner; potty time as we took a walk away from the drama around the wedding....

Cutting the cake together and dancing their first? im sure its not the first...

dancing afterwards, Cara and cousin Kyla, (looking so gorgeous); ralf!

mushrooms at seattle green fest; ballard locks samon

waiting for mom to pack boxes at FCC, heather and jins post wedding family dinner at canlis

beautiful jennifer...another friend i met through fremont community school who introduced me to our babies our selves, an incredible anthropological review of relationship to babies around the world, read much before i thought about having a baby myself...we dont have any pics with tara!!!; waiting for the ferry

ferry ride wind; balancing the teeter totter together at clays

hiking orcas island together

lovers!! wonderful friends i miss so much; beekeeper back in germany wo protection..lovin the bees.

dancing with papa back in germany, ralf wearing wool pants...where they belong??

opa rolfs tractor was really squeaky so before he put oil on the seat i was having some fun...annoying him and bfing-the real farmin frau

taking a walk at sunset

first foods, some egg yolk...this was 2 weeks? after we got home? but she doesnt have much interest in eating these days, i give her little tastes of chewed up something we are eating but not much. she mostly likes to hold it in her hand and squish it and throw it on the floor. the sound effect is so great!! for viv!

llamas at another community near by; taking a walk ACTION!

moving into our new apartment, so exciting!!

herb gardens in the area; so many kisses!

sitting together

wood toys made in or sanded in ralfs wood workshop, Herr D. writing a letter in old letters to the retiring wood workshop leader.

happy birthday mama! with felted wool flower from the wool work group

sitting up on her own, drumming with ralf (sort of) she likes to bite, chew, suck, lick...

touching and eating toes, sitting up she can bend over so far to chomp her feet, its incredible how flexible she is!

grabbing everything, or at least trying to touch it...on the table every meal, i am finding its better to let her play with some food, otherwise it feels so difficult for her to be interested in anything else.
just a few days ago picking black currants...viv tried eating alot of leaves and berries yipee for fall harvesting! now we want to get a solar or regular dehydrator so we dont need to rely solely on freezing stuff.

so thats that hope you enjoyed!
things are going really well for us here, new everything. the first few weeks were really difficult especially for ralf as he had alot of new things to lean, especially working with a new group of disabled people, figuring out what each needs is always ongoing, and yet he likes it, other than that he isnt working outside and we arent together nearly as much as what we want for our dream together, but for now its working.
i will finally get my german drivers license (that lasts for life) tomorrow which gives me the ability to drive and meet other parents and kids and farms in the region. i have been rather disappointed with the wwoofing farms around here as none of them want a mom with a young baby, for fear that vivi gets a disease or that i cant really work because i have to pay attention to her. but balancing that is what i thought being a parent is about??!! i find it really unfortunate that western culture isolates mothers in separate homes and away from doing activities they find joy in, aka not becoming bored themselves. i want to talk and be around other people too...while doing work that vivi can participate in, watching and learning by being. more on this if your interested can be found in the book the continuum concept, mentioned in another post i wrote a while back. more support for parents to be out there interested, and all those not parents too, PLEASE support the breastfeedn moms. heres a link i really like. i love this womans blog!!!
so i have been putting my energy into what a farm organism can look like here, especially in the place we will move into in half a year, that has a barn for animals already attached and a big garden. for my birthday i bought a book about permaculture called gaias garden and loooved it! something specifically i found so useful to understand is that the plants around you (and your house) should have more than one function, be edible, be useful to wildlife, provide nitrogen for the soil(which so many shrubs can do, some trees too) provide fiber, stakes, wood, dye ect. not JUST look pretty together. also, the fact that in nature having a grass lawn would never be normal, that a forest has layers from the ground to the high canopy, and the best thing we can do is replicate, or produce something very like it. reading it was very easy, and very informative to a different way of farming than having so much bear ground, or grass. planting things that give back to the soil and pull nutrients up rather than just taking them and using so much water to irrigate it would be so much cheaper and more efficient. i highly encourage reading this book! biodynamics can fit into permaculture and i find everything i have read so fascinating and the potential for ecological gardening is great, necessary for our culture to take up. other books include the encyclopedia of country living and back to basics. we also bought some old race animal books and home butchering in german for ralfs birthday presents. fun reading when i decide i lay down instead of moving around with sleeping vivienne. sleeping together is so easy, so beautiful and i cherish it so much to watch her sleeping, her curled up in the space between my breast and arm, me warm and calm, in love with our baby. our place of sleeping (usually a bed) is such a peaceful and welcoming space, where ever we are. vivi is making lots of funny sounds thhhhhhh and bbbbbbbb and weeeeeeee.... yesterday ralf pretended to be a puppy and went roof- vivi laughed and giggled and gurgled they did this for maybe a half an hour. she grabs and loves tweaking my nipple then smashing her face into it, drinking for a minute or two, pulling off and doing it again and again. we have endless time of enjoying the fun funn she makes, discovering small and large. i am making it a point that as we walk in the woods that she touches trees and flowers, yes sometimes they go in her mouth, and no i dont stop her. she is learning, why would i not want that. i want her to know nature like we do, to embrace and and love it too.
on elimination communication, she is holding her muscles so well...if we dont realize it the first signals she gives, she is able to hold it alittle longer, until we are able to get to the sink or the toilet or the potty. she signals so well, and so much better if she has a diaper under her, without one she still lets go a good bit, but we can see already that having time without diapers gives her so much more time to explore her own body and scoot backwards if she is on the ground.

After a month of work, we have about 2 weeks of vacation, as pretty much the entire village here is on vacation for august. tomorrow we take off for france, visiting some of ralfs friends in the black forest, visiting the Goetheanum in swiz., and traveling about an our W of Lyon to the Folks Dance Fest of Europe, which i mentioned a while back that we might go to. we are!!! i am so excited to dance for a whole week!! and learn many old types of dance kept alive by group get togethers like this! all the apples are rippening well, and my thoughts are turning towards where and what type of animals we will be buying soon, some chicks and a or a few goats, maybe a pig, maybe a cow, some geese and ducks...bees... as much as possible working with old and rare races oh boy!
got to get packing!!

firefly's and muggy days abounding...

2010-07-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

its been more than a month. thanks for the request for an update Heath!
i really have been meaning to write, but so much has come up..i dont find the time to get started even. last things first.
we got the job! Friday and Saturday the 3/4 we moved all of our things from Rheinland-

Pfalz down to the state of Baden-Württemberg.

Rae and everyone else here is our new address:
Jessica Linnenkohl, Ralf Sandrock and Vivienne Faye
C/O: Lindenhaus
Brettachhöhe 109
74582 Gerabronn
and phone:
079529267281
ralf is working for a community for handicapped adults, in the wood workshop. we are living in an apartment in one of the houses where the handicapped people live-maybe a five minute walk to the work place. then next spring? if we decide to stay longer, we will be moving to a house about 15 min walk from the work place where we can have animals in the barn underneath the house.
i hope to take a language course-600-900 hours, find other parents with small kids, connect with other organic and biodynamic farms in the area to build relationships and maybe find part time work where vivi and i can go for a few hours and help doing fun animal related activities...with action!! we went to a milk sheep farm a few days ago and met another baby one day younger than vivi. this may be somewhere we can do some work outside the house together with animals. i found the website to WSU extension small farming and have loved seeing how much info is out there to get started. this is still by far the most incredible farm i have visited and would strive to would towards something similar in farming Beech Grove Farm.
a week ago vivi was sick for 4 days, and not such a happy camper. we spent alot of time in bed together and her cough took a while longer to leave. my thoughts are because of the traveling and not eating as healthily and everything we went through-airflights, ect. her body was pretty stressed. the first night she couldnt sleep at all unless i was holding her, so we got very little sleep that night. she had a constant fever and lots of coughing, diarrhea and plugged nose making nursing really frustrating for her because of the unique nature to breastfeeding. we are so proud of her. we are still working at listening to her elimination timing, but sickness slowed it down alot for a while. we both got pooped on at least once. oh! and she decided she wanted to start eating other things!! for the past two weeks, she has been eating an egg yolk at which ever meal she chooses- when she starts throwing herself at the food we are sitting down to eat, we boil an egg for her. its awesome to see her lunge at the tiny spoon with an open mouth and swallow! she likes to hold it too. we are open to what she wants and it seems like she is doing well on it. no negative physical reactions. see this if you are interested in how we will start feeding her.
Moving in to our own space has come with its pos and neg sides. its really nice to be in our own space but vivi is having a difficult time adjusting to it, especially to all the new places we are going. she wont sleep went she is tired because curiosity is so much more interesting and she wants to know what is going on! it makes for a very tired mama and baby team. sometimes she wont pee when i know she needs to and im not sure why, maybe because she is feeling everything is unfamiliar. then she pees all over a few min later when she decides to let go.
i am having difficulty transitioning, and especially to feeling alone with a baby all day. trying to find connections quickly...but i am finding i dont really fit in with the other anthroposophical moms it feels dogmatic. i think i would get along better with punk mamas who are more open and alternative. i went to a play group and felt really out of the group philosophy. we like to pick and choose what type of 'parenting' philosophies we want, not all or nothing. and i superly dont like that the mothers are all sitting around watching their children and doing knitting projects. maybe in the winter but now?? its so hot and they have such a big lawn space. i cant even describe the joy both of us had in seeing how fremont community school has come alive since i stopped working there, and how Tara the head teacher has brought in the importance of teaching kids young how they can help save the earth. with the chickens and composting piles, the pot belly pig and huge garden. its so awesome. and its about kids seeing actively working adults that they can help if they want, along with all the imaginative play they engage in... anyway i am hoping to connect with other families soon.
lets see working back a few more weeks, we were in seattle for two weeks, and overall had a pretty good time. it was really awesome to see my sibblings and share vivi with them. i am sad i dont get to know them and be with them more. we were glad to be able to be at heathers wedding and celebrate with her and jin. we saw alot of my friends and that was really great too. everybody we met is leading their life unique and beautiful, it was wonderful to be in the presence of so many rad people! i miss being around positive alternative young people. it makes me so grateful for the people i know back in seattle. it is such a awesome place. it was also fun starting to look at what farming could like in the pacific northwest for us were we to move back. we found more opportunities in a few hours than we found all winter here in germany. and really cool ones, mostly up north and one up on lopez island. the only reason we are here in germany longer is that we dont have money to fly back now. so we have to earn money before we can come back to the states or travel anymore anywhere.
the major bummer of our trip was the drama created by and surrounding my mom. its crazy how she has decided to push all four of her older children further and further away. we are both curious how the next three will be. ralf told me that if he had to live with this he would have run away as soon as he could, probably around 16, he wonders why i didnt... after she yelled and started controlling what ralf and i could do in her house, as her guests we decided we would no longer play along with this game she has going with everyone. it was really out of control. at one point i was told that my exposed breast was offensive and inappropriate for her young innocent children to see. no, vivi was not drinking. she was playing with my nipple. but to see the look on my 7yr old brothers face, that his oldest sister is doing something bad. i couldnt believe it. and she breastfed all of us! WTF!
let me just say that i still feel upset, becoming aware that the relationship that i thought we had come to was completely bullshit really hurts. i want a mom. really. i love talking with her. but when trust is totally shattered? when you are treated as if you are a child? living with ralfs parents has been such a different experience, and really positive to see just how fucking crazy my family is. her coming to germany and us welcoming her were thrown back in our faces the second day we were in seattle. she told me i had no right to invite my friend without her permission over to her house(the friend happened to be my sister, who at one point when we hated each other, pre puberty, taped us together for a whole day, but who i shared the same room with for 5 years!!) . then to act a few days later like nothing had happened and everything was all fine and dandy. no that type of behavior requires an apology. and not forced. but both of us experiencing that type of shit (it wasnt chocolate cake) was more of like a shock and awe bombing of what type of family mine is. the same mother that at one point was being told she wasnt respecting the leader in the house because of what she was doing, turns around and uses the same exact wording that we arent respecting her. truly unbelievable for me.
and then at a really large wedding after so much change and new people and places, i felt so much heat for not letting all of everyone in my extended family hold my baby. the faces and angry eyes, even angry comments was really too bad. but it helps me really realize who sees and accepts me where i am- an adult, a parent, an individual with my own ideas and boundaries.

similar experiences or not in the least, just talking would be real nice. and if you can skype to my land line thats even better!
no pics tonight maybe in a few days. we havent taken the time recently.
soon...

green and greener

2010-05-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

as soon as i write a post, its turned on my head and nothing goes the way i said it does! haha. this is life!

we are hoping that we will be able to be back in seattle for Heathers wedding. really really. next week we have a job interview -a trial week- and after we hear back, if its a yes, which we feel it might be, we will buy tickets for the three of us, using the last savings we have. but only if we have the job, as we arent interested in going into debt. tentative dates are May 31-June 14th.

yipee! maybe! we want to find, if possible, a house to sit, if there are friends or friends of friends taking off for any period of that time. and maybe if there is a car we can borrow too? this is full of hopes, trying to save as much as we can in traveling...
the last few weeks are riding lightly upon my being, the safflower fields are patchwork yellow across the german landscape. they smell so good, like honey dripping from the windows of our twingo. dandelion fields popping up in many pastures begin to turn to beautiful wind seed flowers.
My uncle asked some questions about our potty experiences with Vivienne and i thought it would be good to share with all of you:
i am doing ok, i keep having breast infections, feeling really
achy and not feeling so great over all,(the 4ths last week) i think partly due to our
living situation weighing heavily on me too.
we started from the first day with watching vivienne and the signals she gave before
eliminating, and have taken it from there, pretty easy most of the
time, as long as we are paying attention!! we have two potty bowls,
one for the bed, and one for downstairs/car when we are traveling. she
grunts and farts before pooping just like any of us! usually she poops 3-4 big globs in the morning, sometimes later in the day, some days not at all, we learned that its normal for some breastfed babies to not poop at all for up to 8 days!! she is at the
place now where she can hold pee until she wakes up from a nap, if we
get her to the potty right after she wakes up. its totally wonderful,
she cries to let us know when she has to go or starts squirming rapidly, and even when i am
putting a diaper on, she knows it and will cry if she needs to pee
more before i put it on. i am finding when i start to nurse i need to
have the potty under her between my legs or i get peed on. it feels so
much better for the excrement not to be sitting on her skin!

Last week i finished the second really life changing book i have read in 3 weeks. The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff and Sugar Blues by William Dufty. also here. CC has changed the way i view parenting drastically. sure before i was sure i would be accepting of whatever my kids want to do, and not force them into a specific mold or way of having to be, raising them with Feminist principles and a love for the earth and what nature is left in it. But this goes so much further. Giving an anthropological background of how humans live together in the Amazon jungle, the way they interact with each other makes me so sad as to how we live "civilized" now...
SB gives an incredibly intense and shocking h(ER)istory of the destruction sugar has caused. a new thought as to why so many herbal wise women in europe were killed for being witches...they were really telling people to stay off this poison the government and christian church was pushing. sick. and the role its played in the usa...ha so much for free and good. anyway, i have stopped eating sugar altogether. i was eating molasses, and have given that up too. it scares me so much how much damage this refined sweet has/is doing...and how little people know about it, why they dont feel well. the one thing i dont agree with is that it says sugar and meat are corrlative, and that you need to give meat up too. which i am not so sure about yet.
anyway next week i'll let ya'll know how things are turning out!
no pics now as i dont have time...but vivienne is smiling so much!

read them, and lets talk about what was interesting!!

spring arrives

2010-04-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

here are some of the happenings in Sandrock-Linnenkohl life:

i think rhythm meets rhyme.
wake up around 6am, drink, pee, sleep, get up and eat around 8am, make tired cry, drink, sleep in didymos while mom or dad are doing whatever until lunch time at noon. pee, coo and ah at the beautiful world around for an hour, pee a few more times, drink alot, and sleep in didymos for the afternoon, wake up around 5-6pm for dinner, wake and alert, playing with nipple or slobbering fingers, looking and listening actively, peeing more, and around 7:30pm ready for bed. up in our room doing suck one breast dry, then the other, back and forth until she wants no more, lay down, then sleep till midnight or so, pee, and drink more, sleep until 3-4am pee and drink more, the 6am pee and drink more. she is asleep now next to papa two hands forming clenched balls next to her head.
we are starting to get it. and it works so well. she crys to let us know something and other than this is so content and happy. Ralf said today she has such a sense of peace, even with all the sounds around her as she sleeps because she knows she is safe and all is good, being held by her parents all the time, and sometimes the omas (grandmas in german).we finally figured out that the reason she was crying every night around 8pm was that she was tired and ready for bed. so we moved our loose schedule up to an earlier one, where we finish eating before 7:30pm so we get to bed as she is ready for it. it works perfectly!
we are so amazed at her capacity to tell us when she needs to pee and poop. sometimes we arent aware of it and get peed on, but it really doesnt matter considering its water and has no smell. I remember when the family i worked for in seattle told me about it, that i scoffed and thought how rediculous that was-thats not possible!- but it totally is. they gave us a book about it-infant potty training-which goes through tons of testimonials and experiences from around the world, perfect for my love of other cultures and wanting to find ways that meet a deep desire i have to live more natural than normal.

shout out to Mac for asking to see pics, a good kick in pants helps remind me others actually look for this.
and Kyla for the awesome knitted hat! Vivienne doesnt like stuff over her eyes but she likes this one on!

we are still looking for work. we went to the baltic sea for at 5 weeks, which turned out rather disastrous, i got a high fever and vivienne did not feel well, mostly due to the fact i didnt feel well there and wasnt really as recovered as i thought i was. and pulling my breasts out to feed when it was windy wasnt a good idea either.
at 6 weeks my mom came for 10 days, a good chance for her to see our life here and do the oma thing. we took her to see a castle in the area, to visit the raw milk farms we go to, to climb the cathedral in Cologne, to visit ceramic workshops, which are highly valued all over the world from here, and to see other various villages where we had to do things like doctor check up for vivienne-mandated by law or else the social welfare comes to check on you and see if the baby and its location is healthy enough by the person checking's standards. we found a doctor that supports not immunizing your kids, and he seems pretty chill.

Last week we went to the last hope we had in possibly finding a job here in germany, (aside from living off the government and working a few hours a week doing whatever) in a work community about 3 hours SE of us, where Ralf would work with handicapped people making wood handcrafts part time and outside doing landscaping stuff the other time. i would be able to jump in where ever and possibly learn more about felting and weaving, sewing, bee keeing and candle making and maybe be a sheep herdess on the open pastures here. if we get the job, we wouldnt be able to live on the place until next feb,-so rent an apt. elsewhere- but all three of us had a really good feeling about the place as we visited and met people there. i love working with handicapped people, and feel so comfortable with them. it was refreshing to be met and questioned-even in german-and see so many interesting things going on. So if we get this job that would be awesome, we will have a trial work time next week i think. exciting!!
and maybe we will be going to the Pyrenees in France, where i fell in love with biodynamic farming, the french language and milking sheep by hand. it all depends on the work situation now. i also found the sight for the largest folk dance festival of sorts in europe, an older woman i met when i was traveling told me about it, and i have missed the folk dances of the us so so much, during pregnancy i wanted to dance so often, but that just doesnt exist, its not something people do, let alone think is cool. and maybe we can do this for a week or two.
a few days ago i started feeling cold all over and really sensitive to any touch anywhere, almost the same like before, so i slept most of the next day and drank lots of echinachea and feel better now, but felt loss of energy and depressed. today i didnt feel so much this way but when i felt it it hit really hard, wasnt fun at all and made such strong feelings of heh? what the hell is this?i am eating well, i have a beautiful healthy baby, i wasnt this way during pregnancy why now? i think it could also be the fact that i have no friends. not one.or really we have no friends, as all but one of his friends answer the phone when he tries to connect. they dont even call back. i feel totally alone, and without support or contact. and sure i felt for a while during the pregnancy ok it takes time but now it feels just to long. its difficult. maybe i have really been in and out of depression since i started working at the farm in PA. having mostly bad interactions with others is replaced by relatively few interactions at all. but i am still putting my pinkie in for hope and ready for change. but i am struggling. i love my man, i love my girl, i love the parents, but i want other mothers to talk and relate to too. in person.
i love that its spring. let me just say how fun it is pointing out all the DANDELIONS AND NETTLES, each and every corner. we get out and take an hour or so walk almost every afternoon and seeing buds and blooms on trees, grass, animals-i saw two foxes in the forest a few days ago, bugs and bees, its great. i love spring. and all the new smells. we walked in a botanical park in Koeln a few weeks back, smelling all the flowers and new scents. see the pollen on our noses?
i send lots of love to all and wish you well
spell checker is in german now and i cant figure out how to get it back to english. oh well...

two weeks?!!

2010-03-13T11:36:00.000-08:00

hey everybody!

planting a walnut tree with her placenta, at her birth home, angelas home behind

bath time!

tonight marks vivienne's presence in this world, a special two weeks old.
alot has happened since the birth...
lots of feeding, my milk came in full force the tuesday night after the birth and i had breasts as hot as ovens, as heard as rocks for a few days...now they start dripping and tingle like kombucha when i so much as look at her, and every two hours or so. She has gained 300 grams(~2/3lb?) since birth.
alot of poop and pee, we have read alot about elimination communication, or infant potty training/natural infant hygiene, and have started by just not wearing diapers for most of the first weeks. this has ended up with alot of funny situations... warm peerunning down my belly, and some great projectile squirts of buttery poo everywhere. one day it just kept coming, and reminded me of when the cows were finished milking at camphill, most would release large amounts of manure spraying everywhere, almost jet like...thankfully it smells much less. but we have been able to learn some of her hey i need to go-please help communication. sure its not verbal but its just like anything else she needs. we have a purple potty which has been great during feedings and caught alot of pees upon waking the last few days. her system is starting to find a rhythm now and it seems to be getting easier the more aware and open we are to helping her.
alot of sleeping...during the day, and much more awake time during the night than has been pleasant for us both.She cuddles so well. and dreams so so much. i figure thats why i dreamt so much more during her pregnancy. the range of emotions as she sleeps is so adorable to watch. and the sounds too. much better than any tv program! so pure and full of personality.
She loves music, all types, all times of the day and dancing with dad all the time too. they are a super cute couple! the rocking chair here has also been such a relaxing place to be together, she loves movement-being in the sling and cooking, cleaning everything, as long as shes not hungry or wet.

angela has this postcard and i laugh every time i read it:

for all the english only speakers it reads:
excuse me Ms., your breast is hanging out...
oh my god! i left my baby on the bus!

postpartum depression hit hard a few days after the birth, crying about anything and everything, feeling completely not able to handle any of these changes and totally out of it. ralf has been such a help, comfort and support to me. taking care of making meals for us, doing all the laundry, getting food, changing diapers and making sure i have some space to myself each day has helped alot in the whole recovery process. i liked that angela also talked to us about the birth of myself into becoming a mother, the need for tears to cleanse the past, the present and the future space. to heal wounds of generations of birthing out of fear, the cleansing of within being so important to release during this time. the ability to embrace it here and now, and have a partner who will be with me in this space until i am ready to stop crying, to hold and love me, is such a blessing. i feel much better today, and have the last few days too, with much more strength to walk around and feel myself almost back to normal.
i have found it super frustrating that i cant get access to purchase the same organic herbs i can easily in seattle...because german law restricts and forbids it. there really isnt the same openness to herbs, so much fear around them here, so i have had difficulty obtaining things i feel comfortable using to feel better. melissa(catnip), raspberry leaf, blessed thistle, and nettle infusions have all been yummy and full of minerals, as well as kombucha.

today we took our second car ride, first in the baby seat, to get raw milk. she slept almost the whole time, except for a half awake feeding because my breasts were leaking so bad...
tschuess!

birth of Vivienne

2010-03-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

so peaceful!

Saturday morning we got alot of snow, after almost a whole two weeks where we thought it would become spring... warm and lots of stormy winds and spiders/mosquitoes coming into the house.
Here is how the birth went:
Last friday, Martin our friend we met at camphill came over and we thought oh we have another week or so...but then that afternoon i started finding large pieces of mucus, which i thought oh maybe that is the plug. i started feeling like i should have a period with cramping in my lower abdomen that came and went the rest of the afternoon and evening. i had a really hard time sleeping and went into the sauna to feel some warmth. alot of lower back pain kept me awake, and awakening early saturday morning, with little movement helping feel better. the best thing was ralf rubbing my back.
over breakfast i continued having spirts of cramping which i started figuring out must be the so called contractions-or gifts of opening- as i wanted to relate to them. spiraling my hips and breathing through it worked the best. after bf i decided i needed to walk, so we went out and the beautiful sun greeted us, as well as little easter bell flowers, the firsts poping up, and the first cranes coming back from their winter african homes, the smell of pine whirrled through the air as i bent to pee and then hold on to ralfs waist as i spiraled every 3-5 min.
we came back to the house and things slowed down gifts coming every 10-15 min. and we tried to take a nap but i couldnt. around 4pm i decided it was bath time. i had talked alot about having a water birth and tried keeping out of the water for as long as possible...but felt this was the time to slide on in. the gifts started picking up again after an hour or so in the water and it felt so relaxing to be in there. feeling hungry ralf got avacado for me and it tasted delicious. having felt my cervix, i estimated around 3-4 cm and could start to feel a wrinkly head, ralf feeling it too before i felt another gift and moved into spirals buoyed on my belly in the water.
this first stage lasted until sometime around 7pm where i found myself suddenly wanting to push with all of my being. i found this to be so much more enjoyable than the first part, the first feeling more uncomfortable, the second feeling so powerful and strong. As i felt inside myself again, the awe of being fully dilated and bearing down -on my knees (because there wasnt enough room to squat in the tub)-feeling the head of hair and having ralf do the same before another rush made me want more space. ralf was on the outside of the bathtub, facing me inside and it felt wonderful to relax into his arms and be rubbed during rest periods. i had made two really strong infusions of raspberry leaf tea the day before and drank this cold, as well as ginger infusion with ghee to help make my birth canal as slipery as possible. then with another rush and release through pushing, the babys head came out and we could feel so much hair and a little ear. this was so incredible for both of us. shallow breaths and not pushing until i felt really ready to...the body slid out and ralf unwraped the cord from around the neck as we brought the baby up to us. we kissed and welcomed it, not really even thinking to check if it is a boy/girl. we embraced the first cry, more a hey than fear as she looked around at us with big eyes. a few minutes later ralf said, so what do you think it is? he thought a boy and i said i dont care, its here. we then brought her up and were overjoyed with the whole celebration of life in our beings, and this new wise little one in my arms. the placenta came at 8:45pm and after this i felt for any tearing, which there was none. we practiced lotus birth and did not cut the cord, but let it dry up on its own, letting it fall off when it was ready, something i found much peace with at not causing a first separation from her partner, letting things part on their own, and also much less chance of infection. she parted with her placenta on wednesday the 3rd at 1am, just over 3 days after she was born. After the placenta was birthed, we invited Angela, our midwife, to join us and check the placenta, weigh Vivienne and take her height. then we walked down to the basement where we are living and settled in for the night.

a day or so before birth

snowperson!

belly mask time! done sunday before birth

winter continues in westerwald

2010-02-02T06:51:00.000-08:00

All is well inside and out, growing and enlarging all the time!
we have so much snow,
and we heard people trapped on the highway were being flown food and drink to stay warm out there, crazy....
This last weekend we traveled down to a small village about an hour north of Munich and looked at a milk sheep farm that was looking for a couple to come and work and live on the farm for 2 plus years. it seemed perfect for us, and we were ready to say yes, but the man had some unexpected withdraws of people who had previously taken the milk for cheese and yogurt production and he finally decided he could not offer us the position now.
alittle sad for us, as it seemed like a perfect fit, but it also felt like a really positive step to find and direct us further. we stopped by an anthroposophical group working with disabled people on the way back and it made me so happy! meeting some of the people working with the cows on a sunday afternoon made me realize how much i love working with disabled people, how enjoyable that can be, when others have the same goals and desires. they arent looking for people to join either right now.
so, as the time grows near for our baby to join us in person, we will move tomorrow to our midwives second house, about an hour from ralfs parents to give birth in a private setting.
we can still receive mail at our current address:
Jessica Linnenkohl and Ralf Sandrock
Rotenhainer Strasse 13
56244 Woelferlingen
Germany
i have been working on this knitting project for a few weeks now, and am almost finished making a hot water bottle cover!
ralfs socks finished: are much to big and look like clown boots!
cheers to each of you!!

decades and days

2010-01-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

Happy new year and decade and day!!
i am feeling like things are slowing down alot for me as i prep for the coming marathon in the next months. officially we will be in week 33 come friday!
i finally got a supply of raw milk again, this time from demeter cows, and am loving it so much! so rich in fatt and cream my body craves. I eat soaked oats almost every morning and it has become such a nice routine to enjoy fully for me.
I had major desire to get everything ready and make sure we have all clothing, bedding, diapering and breastfeeding supplies ready the last few weeks and there are only a few things left to purchase or find. The two small rooms we occupy in ralfs parents house are so full of a peaceful energy and we feel so ready to be parents.
Baby is kicking alot during the night, waking me up and making sure that i am aware of it, sometimes i feel sleepily frustrated and yet so glad to know it feels well and just wants to say hi and play alittle in the ever decreasing space limit. i am finding much of the time it pushes way out into the right side of my belly, either with its butt or legs. so much action.
New years was interesting for us, we went to some of ralfs friends for dinner and stayed way longer than i thought we would...about 11;45. over dinner there was a crazy heated argument about the future of the world, people eating and being giving to the choice to do organic or the necessity for GMO crops to feed the worlds growing populations. it brought to a forefront in my being what i want with my life and how important creating and sustaining organic foods at the grassroots levels are.
we ended up being in the car for new years, new for both of us, and our first new years to share together. Germans do fireworks hard core. apparently on every street in the city of Koeln people are jam packed lighting off fireworks and drinking. how not many people die is a wonder to me! personally i dont like the loud sounds, and feel like it is such a waste of money polluting the air so heavily. every year ralf buys sparkelers and even though they stink, they are alot less dangerous or loud!a filling came loose over the christmas vacation time when there were no dentists in the office and finally we were able to get seen yesterday. i hate dental work so much!
we have gotten a good deal of snow and finally went out to make snow angels, so cold!!
Ralfs uncle, Hans in the Netherlands, gave us this manger scene, that he made, and ralf made all the animals, with our baby and us for a new holiday scene!
we have found a few really interesting demeter farms for work and living but dont know anything yet about responses. i decided that at the latest we could move somewhere by the 16th of Feburary, but i dont think it is going to happen. it would need to fit really well and feel energetically so right.
Our plan for the birth is to either birth at our midwives second house or in ralfs parents house and send them on a week trip to NL. we want really quiet and small. making space for the three of us to bond well and be together during this huge transition.
My mom sent us this wonderful present of a new style of diaper- Gro baby

we think it will be alot easier and better to use than the cotton diapers we were given as a donation. bulky diapers on "newborn" doll

after washing these bulky diapers, it takes them 2 full days to dry in the attic whereas these gro babies dry in a few hours. the gro babies can be made into newborn through pottytraining age with simple front snaps! (Although we are also interested and wanting to focus more heavily on elimination communication with our kids-potty training from the start).

learning how to use and wear the didymos wrap, ralf ripped off the babys leg, ahh!!

and trying to fix it.... this baby doll doesnt have such flexible legs...

Heilige Nacht or Silent Night

2009-12-24T08:25:00.000-08:00

HO HO HO! the last window panes in the parents house that are only one layer thick! it went about 10 C this last week and the frost was so pretty.

31 weeks today!

Merry Christmas to all!!

wow, its been a while, too much time since i last updated. somehow between daily yoga and meals and sleep this gets forgotten.
a few interesting things i am noting recently: in germany, christmas day is two days long here, official holiday is 24 afternoon-27! and all businesses will be closed for the next four days...i cant imagine that happening in the usa. we found wool bodys and socks and leggings for baby at dm, a relatively inexpensive bath/body/health shop and got really excited when we found cute wood fish and whale toys too.
baby names...the whole idea is rather overwhelming for me right now, and we need to get started...viviane and micah as still at the top (or only yet) for me.
a sad thing, i cant get vanilla extract in germany. there is vanilla sugar and vanilla powder and vanilla fragrance, but no extract. it seems based on my google questioning others have had previous difficulty with this too. i will have to remember this next time we are back!

the last few days have brought snow and beautiful distinction to every bare tree around. i love how each limb and small branch is outlined in the bright grey/white color where once was complete brown and black. so beautiful!! sometimes when there is a crooked tree you can observe which direction the snow has come from and see how the tree cradles the remaining snow clinging to its thick bark.
The last few weeks we have attended parties in Koeln for Ralfs drumming groups, Samba and Conga, and i went to practice with them tuesday night. With ear plugs, i felt like i could hear what maybe baby hears, or at least sort of, and every step i took sounded echo-y. The drumming was fun and pretty easy to catch on to. All of the people i have met are really nice, and we stayed over last friday night so ralf could drink all the gluten free beer he wanted and hang out early into the morning...wher as i get tipsy around midnight and decided "my pumpkin is going to burst i gotta go!" i find no desire to stay up late. not like i ever did really, but even more so now.

i cut off most of my hair this week, i felt finished with the shoulder length. i think i just like short hair! everyone kept asking, oh wont you be cold? no! i am so hot all the time!

Last week, we got the tests back from the labs where ralf had his blood and stool sent for finding out what might be causing the challenging rashes, migraines and heartburn. We got the results back and were pretty overwhelmed by the amount of allergic reacting things he was consuming on a regular basis...
the list is:
all gluten-wheat, spelt kamut, cous cous, wild rice, all of it...
Casein- all milk proteins-cheese, butter and types-goat, sheep and horse too
Hazelnuts
Malt
Oats
Eggs
Bananas
and much less but some reaction to beer yeast, almonds and mustard seed
so what can he eat? meat, veggies, most fruits, and the grains like rice , lentils, quinoa, beans, teff, buckwheat, millet ect.
so cooking...in the holidays for mo milk no eggs and no gluten is becoming a new challenge, and rather difficult at that... when we dont want to use margarine and soy in cooking...
gluten, milk, egg free christmas cookies!
and eating out is really really challenging as we found out last week. i wanted mexican food, but we found out when we started eating it had cheese in it, and made ralf feel so sick the next day and have red rashes...

today i was laughing as ralf had a hand over my belly button and it moves so much in and out. the parents here dont think i am going to make it until march, they think my belly is too big already for so much longer...which is funny to me, we will see. i dont care when it comes, i want it to be ready and say im coming mom! yoga helps so much with my lower back which acts up sometimes alot, when i walk or sit for too long. so lots of everything!opening up my hips with deep squats is also so helpful and bending over seated on the ground is also sooo good feeling!
tomorrow all of ralfs siblings and families will be here for the whole day, i think 16 people! and Dini is cooking for them all...we will see where we can help, she does so much work around here, and is so pleasant to be with!
almost forgot, we went out into the forest to find a christmas tree, because you can legally cut them down, and i was so surprised at how slim all of them were, compared to the trees you would buy. i am curious what is done to make them so full and have such sturdy needles.

love and joy!

floating along

2009-12-02T00:55:00.000-08:00

Over the last few weeks my sensations of the world have felt rather up and down. A few weeks ago, feeling like we would never be able to get work, ralf found and contacted a horse and bio cattle farm in the north of germany, about 5 hours drive. we went for the weekend to check it out and meet the people, everything felt right with the work, but the housing situation was quite the opposite. it would be living in the upstairs part of a house owned by an alcoholic man, without a door for privacy to our living quarters. we both felt this was not workable for our situation, and as the house is 5 or so min. from the farm, it made me feel trapped and really alone.
we talked about maybe having other possibilities but they said this was the only thing right now. we even started looking about and into buying a home. but it felt way to sudden and i didnt like the area very much, the area was a cookie cutter house suburb, with red bricks. gloomy and dead. i couldnt imagine buying a house to pay off for the next 10 years with such feelings. we would also be so far from ralfs parents, who i have grown to really enjoy over the last few months, and our incredible midwife, Angela.
some positives were that it is in the same area as many biodynamic, demeter farms where i could complete my apprenticeship in the next few years, and that the people ralf would work for seem friendly and open, giving decent pay for the work he would be doing, cleaning out horse stalls and managing the land- feeding and watering all the animals. but overall, it didnt feel right, and i ended up completely breaking down on the drive back south, feeling overwhelmed and not comfortable with this move. so we decided against it after a few more days of looking at the pros and cons and feeling like there were way to many cons to move so far for a 'good paying job'. i feel like we really know what we want and are looking for in life, and have had enough bad experiences with other set ups.
last week we finally were able to get my living/ working permit from the government, but the mad in this region is so rude and seems to hate his job so much, he only would give me a 1 year visa. he said that i would need to come back and "if i was being good, he would extend it", such shit. i am required to take the integration language course, but am given by the state up to 2 years to even start it, and after asking the man he even said it would probably be best to wait and start the course after the birth. the person working in the other region was so much more happy and open to helping us. ralf says that thats how it is, if a person working for the state hates their job, they will make whatever you have to do or ask for hell for you. it makes me want to move out of this region so we dont have to work with this man any longer. i can work in germany though! which means i can finally register and be paid for being pregnant, and receive government money. we registered with the unemployment region and had a meeting yesterday for ralf, and one tomorrow for me regarding what type of work we can take, and if there is not work, then the state gives us money to live. Because ralf does not have a certificate of apprenticeship for organic farming, he cannot take many jobs in alternative farming practices. as we talked about it last night, it makes no sense to "fight" this system thing and if that is necessary for farming organically in germany, why not do it. it means that we will have very little, and that for 3 years he makes another apprenticeship, and when i feel ready, i can continue to finish my education as well. but being in one place, and for us both being on a organic farm is what we want, this seems best if we can get a job right now doing this. we have no money to start a farm, which would be delightful in the future, but for this time, it really feels best to start looking at this as our best option...tbc
a few things on german life...there are so many more accidents and road construction detours on highways here than in the us, its so crazy! and trucks making huge problems with traffic for running off the road. after driving across the us, and comparing the two, we maybe had 3 accidents or traffic incidents that slowed us down. and the roads are so much better on us highways too. we have at least 2-3 times in a 1-2 hour drive where we have to slow down alot, or even stop for long periods of time.
Weihnachtmarkts(christmas markets) are a really popular thing during this time of year. especially in big cities. Koeln has 7 different ones, 4 of which we visited last week. there are lots of booths selling anything and everything, some things are really creative and reminded me of some of the artistic scope at the fremont market in seattle. it made me miss seattle alot and all of my friends. this has sent me on a rather strong sensation of wow i dont have friends here and really want to find people to be with. so hopefully soon. i love ralfs parents and making jokes with them, but find myself also totally wishing i was able to share my growing belly and life energy with other young people too.
accordion playing is going well, mary had a little lamb is great, with the bass too! now starting to want more and more...
i started a knitting project, after a long hiatus, making slippers for ralf as a simple present. when they are finished, i will felt them too. i am in love with felting arts. and keep finding incredible artists who i would love to work with and learn from. unfortunately the directions are in german, so i am getting help from ralf and his mother.

at 28 weeks tomorrow, i feel really good during the day most of the time and have back pain most of the night, making sleep restless sometimes and turning every few hours. and really crazy dreams every night. sometimes with pirates or the moon but with family members and friends weaving in and out of them.

pictures coming later, maybe.

2009-11-18T03:16:00.000-08:00

Since moving back to Woelferlingen, we were able to attend the start of carnival- the 11.11. at 11am in Koeln with lots of crazy drunk singing and dancing people. i liked it overall, but not when we first arrived and walked through really dense crowded areas and i thought i was going to loose it, too much close contact to lots of smoking drunk people laughing about the swine flu and pushing to get through to where ever they wanted to drink their next beer. so crazy!! but the colors and creativity people had was refreshing. and watching from a distance was a much better fit for me after seeing at maximum maybe 50 people around the towns where we live, thousands and thousands was a bit much.
ralfs siblings seem to be going crazy with the whole swine flu scare here. most of them want to get the vaccination and one of his brothers has the flu but will find out tomorrow if it is the regular or special variety. another woman i am in contact with said the boy living next door to them got the swine flu and is recovering well. i am so curious with the scare this is seeming to make what the outcome will be. more jobs available? population control? i keep hearing all these crazy things about what is happening in the usa, and how many people are dying there, people lining up to get drive through vaccinations ect. i am not so worried one way or the other. i dont fear death but especially as all of nature is returning to death and darkness i find it all to be a part of the cycle we follow in life.
Here are some pictures from the last weeks:

Dini and i, 26 weeks!

so dika!

my thoughts bring to mind a semblance of Pocahontas and john smith?

more clowns

ralf drumming with the samba group, with fairy princes dancing around

clowning around

isnt his hair so great!??

moving back

2009-11-09T01:20:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
over the weekend we came to the conclusion it would be better to live with ralfs parents again for a while until we can find somewhere more suitable for us. Ralf has had a very difficult time working for the man we were renting from and felt stressed out and controlled all of the time, during work and free time. so we search for another place and moved everything back to his parents at:
Rotenhainer Str. 13
56244 Woelferlingen
(0049)(0)2666488
we will have any post sent to us there from Holzhausen, but it wont start till next week.

i feel alittle disappointed in all of this, because i want to settle down and be in one place so badly until the birth, and i love the midwife we found, but the man is so controlling and creepy, i dont feel safe or trust him at all. ralf parents at least have an attitude of love and welcome us fully to be as long as we want, but there are many reasons to have our own space. i get to learn more german here too!
so different from the experience at camphill, where i didnt feel like i had to lock doors or fear someone would enter without asking into my private space.

we had a really wonderful conversation for a few hours last week with the midwife about moving that brought up alot of things for myself i am still processing, and hope for finding a better perfect place for the two of us to be.
we found a job working at a nature park(zoo) but they want to find a new animal and garden tender in january now, so no longer an option...
we go to register once again in Selters, at the district office and continue the search for something better.

my practicing on the accordion is coming along, i am learning mary had a little lamb and working hard to be able to use both hands doing such different things at the same time!! its so fun!! baby kicks all the time and i am pretty sure knows ralf is its papa because it gets really excited and kicks more when it hears his voice!
love and peace

music makes life beautiful!

2009-11-02T00:14:00.000-08:00

Some updates from the past week or so...

Halloween in germany is a relatively new thing. kids come dressed up to the door and ask sweet or sour? and if you dont give them something sweet, ralfs dad said something about them slapping or hitting or doing something 'sour' back. so its not really common. its more common to revere the day of the dead and care for graves of loved ones on the 1st of november.

We went to visit Katie in Douai last weekend and fell in love with this northern city of France and i fell in love with the belfry of the city. In the top of it rests a 62 bell carillon, that plays such delicate and pretty chimes. try finding a you tube video of it, the sound is so great! we had a lovely time with katie walking around and seeing her life teaching english in middle schools.

when we went to see ralfs parents on saturday, we also picked up some of his many drums so he can start practicing for November 11th, the official beginning of Carnival in Koeln. its going to be crazy!! we also figured that if the baby comes on time or later, we will also be able to go to the carnival in koeln this coming february and experience this rich tradition, dancing and making music and partying in the streets, i think i will paint my big belly too. maybe its too cold? we will see.

along with the drums we picked up ralfs grandfathers ACCORDION!! from the 1950's as i have always wanted to learn this instrument and have time to do so right now. its so beautiful and not to big for me or my belly! it has a lovely sound. i asked if i could by one i saw for sale last week as i was missing france and ralf said 'oh! we have one already!!'
i can play the notes for jingle bells as of today!

also, not related to music, we are realizing this is really not a healthy place to be living for us as the man ralf works for/rents us the place is super controlling and really crazy. His support of gun use for protection, his ideas to put up cameras so that 'big brother is watching everything' and his fear of every person makes this place feel very uncomfortable for me and ralf. even in the work ralf does, the man doesnt like to throw anything away, even if its broken or rotting and says oh i can use it for something else. but he has three houses/barns full of stuff that i really dont think anyone will ever use. i want and need to have a freezer to start making chicken and beef stock, meals to pull out easily that are healthy and good so i dont spend so much time cooking, especially as the due date gets nearer. so how much longer we will be here is unsure. but finding a job is the difficult part right now and we will start doing more intensive searching over the next few weeks. while everything is still so expensive there are very few jobs available.

the midwife came over on wednesday and took my blood, to get a mutter pass, a required document to get money from the state and other agencies. i cant remember the last time i had my blood taken! its been so long!! we also heard the heart beat from the umbilical cord and from the back. very strong and fast compared to my much slower pulse. baby is kicking strong and hard letting its presence be know all the time. it makes me giggle sometimes how funny it feels! the care and freedom i feel during pregnancy is so great. i just watched this video and encourage you to as well- it makes me so angry there is not wide spread knowledge of the safety of homebirth and midwifery care.

http://vimeo.com/6182741

hopefully my visa will come in the next few weeks?!! until then i am happy learning a new instrument with a beautiful sound.

cheers!

recent pictures

2009-10-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

We are taking off for France to visit Katie tomorrow morning and wanted to get these up before we left...
the pictures go from bottom to top!

from a few days ago, 22 weeks on thursday

planting the garlic among the strawberries

can you see our house behind me? the quince tree we transplanted from the koeln garden is to the right

3rd stage planting!! transplanting strawberries, raspberry canes curve toward the left

2nd stage, plowing the yard with the handy all in one! it can be a lawn mower, plow, and snow plow too!
ralf cutting the grass low, right outside of our door, this will be the future herb/flower garden!

our first real guests! oma(dini) and opa(rolf) sandrock

this is at Ralf's parents house, a few weeks ago, maybe 19 weeks?

Finding a Caregiver

2009-10-22T05:23:00.000-07:00

Last night Ralf and i went to a midwives home where she was giving an information session about who she is. we thought oh maybe we can just sit in the back and listen and maybe talk to her afterwards. it turned out we were the only ones that came and it was perfect because the three of us talked. we chose her because with two other midwives in the area she speaks english. we had some great laughs over things neither ralf or her could explain or translate. the more we talked together the more impressed and excited i was about finding and meeting with this woman. Her name is Angela Lindo and has been practicing for over 30 years. Right now she is writing her masters thesis (at an age of 50) so she can teach in universities to the next generation of midwives. She had hundreds of books to read over the next few months before she presents it. She and her retired husband also help take care of children whose parents need to get back on their feet or are not allowed to have their children due to reasons concerning the police or gov. So currently a 5 mo baby 12 and 17 yo live with them. Their hearts as a couple and love for children, mothers, families is quite incredible.
I started telling her about how i view birth and how safe and trusting i feel with the ability my body has and that i am open and curious about this process, experiencing it, and the desire i have to be a midwife as well. The longer we talked and she shared her background and experiences the more both of us felt this is an incredible fit. we love her. Her studies in spirituality and in meditation also brought great relief to me, feeling also with her perceptions on lotus birth and unassisted birth that this is the perfect caregiver for us. she also told us that she has had other couples desiring unassisted birth ask her to come and read a book in the kitchen, being there if her help was wanted but allowing this sexual experience to be fully a couples own as well. We were ecstatic as we left her, oh and she passed on to us 3 boxes of cotton diapers with linings saying that another mother had given them to her hoping another family could use them too!
This brought such a relief to stress that i realized has been building up here because we didnt know about the rules or requirements of becoming parents in germany, what we had to do ect. She was so helpful to explain nothing. if you feel you need something there are lots of people you can see, but what is the feeling you have? she asked. She said she can give us a "mutter pass" pass for mothers, that allows you to receive financial help and earn a monthly stipend for having a child. i am so excited and thankful i dont have to do any harmful or invasive tests or examinations. it is perfect for our situation and she is also very close, only 11 km or so from us!

Moving in

2009-10-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

Lots of changes!!
we moved in a weeks ago yesterday to the lower part of this old house from the 1600's, which has a kitchen, bathroom and sleeping/everything else space. The first project is to restore and fix up what will be our bedroom, and working on getting as much done outside before the winter hits, as the place has alot of potential, but needs so much work.
we have been ok-ed to have a veggie garden, an herb and medicinal plant garden, goats, chickens, bees, pretty much whatever we want as long as ralf works 7 hours M-F. the last week has been filled with unpacking, moving in and figuring all of everything out.
we went to the residence permit place yesterday and were heartily welcomed to the broader community of Nastaetten, told our marriage certificate looked like we printed it our selves, or got it from a western shop, but ok we will accept it...then had to drive to the immigration office in Bad Ems to start the next process of making sure i am legal and received notice that within 4-6 weeks i will receive a 3 year residence permit for germany, allowing me to start the learning german course!!
but i feel really lonely. its a new feeling to only have one other person to talk to and relate with and not be able to really connect with others. the village people here seem nice, but i find myself not wanting to speaks english and show i dont know the language yet. and i would love for the language course to start asap. even already though i understand alot and am able to follow some conversations. its helpful to know my ease at languages is not lost.
ralf cut the grass on the triangle patch outside our front door where we will have the future herb garden. we will plow and plant garlic there for the winter. i am glad to be close to outdoor work again and am really excited that ralf has a job doing work outside, without having to drive somewhere really far. it will make childcare exchanging and parenting much more fluid.
i am setting up skype and new microphone so if you have some time that is free it would be lovely to talk over the "phone" with you!
love and peace,
jessica

2009-10-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

Last few weeks have felt a sort of floating and eating and not really knowing where everything is going. finding work in germany, the germany i thought would be DEMETER and biodynamics is really not that much better than mainstream america. maybe it is worse, as farmers here are being wiped out. finding work, biodynamic apprenticing or even just on a farm earning money and finding a place to stay not just for a few months, but that we would like to stay longer, is really difficult. i am happy to say as we traveled across the us, i found alot of organic farmers, and farmers markets where you can buy good food. its hard to get, or far driving to buy.
We found a raw goat milk about 45 min from us and have been getting milk from them now, its so good. In seattle we payed 9-10 dollars for a 1/2 gallon of goat milk and the worth of the milk is much less in germany-only 2 Euro about 3.5 dollars. cows milk is even worse. a farmer, organic, will get about 40 cents a liter and conventional farmers only 20 cents, making the price and worth of usa milk about 3-4 times of german milk. there are alot of demonstrations about this to the government, where milk is being poured out on the street, making ponds and lakes in front of the buildings. crazy hu?
and buying baby clothes from different second hand shops here has been fun, unfortunately my thought that all germans were into natural wool and especially for baby stuff was wrong. we have had a really hard time finding wool anything for babies. the 2nd hand store owners laugh or giggle at us and say how old fashioned that is and how NO ONE does that anymore, or its passed through the family not to second hand...bummer.
and trying to find middle colors too is relatively difficult as so much of the clothing is light blue with cars or light pink with frilly things.
The news of the last day is that we have found a place to live and for ralf to work! its exciting because it is a little village and work ralf will be doing is restoring and fixing up the 1600 yo house we will be living in. it currently has 3 rooms on the bottom floor where we will start living this next week. fixing and making livable the fourth room is ralfs first task, so it can be our bedroom. the house is in really good shape for its age, and the man who owns it owns and or rents a few of the other houses in the village for all of the antiques he collects and fixes to sell on ebay! they seem nice enough and are ok with us getting goats and chickens and making a garden for ourselves. the place has a magical feel to me and i am excited to start creating an herb and veggie garden and getting ready to have a goat to love and milk.
The process to get on the same insurance plan has been taking a long time, and soon hopefully it will be finished, gaining the ability to start the language course soon. i am ready!!
In the meantime, my belly is expanding, 19 weeks as of yesterday, and baby is kicking often, especially as we settle down for bed in the evenings. its so exciting, maybe not the stretch marks or the tight pants but the crazy cravings are interesting.
if you want to post a comment, go right ahead, i think it is in german, but still resembles the english word-kommentare- because i set it up on a german computer first. Some people have emailed me too, and that is great as well, i will still have email and facebook!

2009-09-11T02:38:00.000-07:00

Of interest this week, we went to apply for a residence permit for me as a family member of ralf to live here in germany and had a grand time being told i need to take a 600 hour course in german, along with 30 hours of social and cultural learning. so we had to quit the other class i registered for and are waiting to hear back about insurance plans and coverage for me in germany. yipee

laying on the floor reading books i can feel the pressure of the baby and sometimes it moving, especially when ralf plays drums.
everything is so different, and i enjoy it. for example:
the majority of cars look like ones from toy story, maybe especially ours which we have named green eucalyptus in german. the cars here make me want to giggle constantly as i always think i will see the pig and tour barbie driving one, maybe even buz light year or woody themselves.

the windows mostly open from the top inwards rather than the sides, but some as i learned a few days ago can be switched to open from the side with a turn of a lever. ingenious!!

the bells of the village church ring every hour helping to remind you of the time of day. i liked this in france too.

i love the toilets seats and bathroom stalls in germany. they feel so much more comfortable and are more round than oval. the stalls are so much longer, like you actually have a private room, and seem so much stronger.

things i dont like:
you have to pay for most bathrooms out and about, especially frustrating for me as i feel my bladder cant last more than two hours at a time.
you dont get water for free at restaurants. you have to pay for everything. and almost everywhere you are not allowed to BYO. ouch!!

yesterday we climbed to the top of a tower which used to be a military lookout but is now open for hiking around and up looking over the entire region where we are right now.
We went into a small village, one which ralf said had the best and oldest butcher around and had food-ralf a curry wurst and me liver that had been chopped up finely and was in a sauce. fries with mayo is the way to be in germany...very interesting.

We also purchased a mobile USB stick to have internet where ever we are at ALDI a pretty common store. We have found quite a good selection of gluten free things and ralf has done really well, up until last night when noodles were in the soup and we didnt think of it until a few
hours afterwards. oops!
I have been sneezing alot- and have had alot of congestion since we arrived. and ralf got worms some how...uh oh. so he has been eating alot of garlic and seeds from squash trying to get rid of it naturally. but they aren't gone yet.

some photos are attached of recent activities like visiting a castle and and the rhine river valley.
if you need to reach us we can be found by mail and telephone here:

Jessica Linnenkohl + Ralf Sandrock
Rotenhainer Strasse 13
56244 Woelferlingen

+49 2666488
love to all

Castle at Cochem

Here we go!

2009-09-07T09:00:00.001-07:00

Given the number of requests to turn this into a blog rather than just emails, i thought now would be the best time to start running with it.
we landed yesterday in germany and were picked up by Rolf, Ralfs father around 8am.
We arrived at his parents house located in a small village way out in the country. pretty much i love it here. I love his family who although they only speak german-a few know some english- have been so welcoming and excited to meet me and see ralf back home. His mother had prepared a lovely brunch and as each brother (2) and sister came in shared the news with the´-this is my pregnant wife! they were all thouroughly shocked yet were so happy too.
I feel i am already having such a positive immersion into the language, his mother is wonderful. i love his parents so much. their eyes have such a beautiful twinkle to them and their attitudes are light and humorous, always looking to make a good joke.
I took a walk this morning to greet the sun and strech and see a little more of where we are. all around there are forests mingled with open farm land. its so beautiful. i took a path up a hill and sat in the glowing sunshine, reveling in the warmth of the area and happiness i feel here.
Only a few things could make it better:
having a place where
-i can fully unpack every box and put things on shelves and organize it all,
-we will stay for more than 6 months
-i can take walks like this mornings every day
-small organic farms, preferably biodynamic
-a (or multiple) goat that i can love and milk and make cheese from soon.

i feel so well, so happy. and while i know so little of the language it really feels ok. when i really need to understand something i can look to the dictionary or ralf. otherwise i take in all the words i hear and am trying to repeat and learn how to speak with his parents.
Ralfs youngest niece spent this afternoon with us after her half day of kindergarten, i alreay love her so much and she hasnt hit an age where she recognizes i dont understand most of what she says so she is one of my best teachers.
all the cars are so much smaller, the roads much more windy and the landscape very green.
we send our love to each of you and thank each of those we were able to share time with in seattle and philly.
peace and joy. and visit soon!