i really have been meaning to write, but so much has come up..i dont find the time to get started even. last things first.
we got the job! Friday and Saturday the 3/4 we moved all of our things from Rheinland-
Rae and everyone else here is our new address:
Pfalz down to the state of Baden-Württemberg.
Jessica Linnenkohl, Ralf Sandrock and Vivienne Faye
ralf is working for a community for handicapped adults, in the wood workshop. we are living in an apartment in one of the houses where the handicapped people live-maybe a five minute walk to the work place. then next spring? if we decide to stay longer, we will be moving to a house about 15 min walk from the work place where we can have animals in the barn underneath the house.
i hope to take a language course-600-900 hours, find other parents with small kids, connect with other organic and biodynamic farms in the area to build relationships and maybe find part time work where vivi and i can go for a few hours and help doing fun animal related activities...with action!! we went to a milk sheep farm a few days ago and met another baby one day younger than vivi. this may be somewhere we can do some work outside the house together with animals. i found the website to WSU extension small farming and have loved seeing how much info is out there to get started. this is still by far the most incredible farm i have visited and would strive to would towards something similar in farming Beech Grove Farm.
a week ago vivi was sick for 4 days, and not such a happy camper. we spent alot of time in bed together and her cough took a while longer to leave. my thoughts are because of the traveling and not eating as healthily and everything we went through-airflights, ect. her body was pretty stressed. the first night she couldnt sleep at all unless i was holding her, so we got very little sleep that night. she had a constant fever and lots of coughing, diarrhea and plugged nose making nursing really frustrating for her because of the unique nature to breastfeeding. we are so proud of her. we are still working at listening to her elimination timing, but sickness slowed it down alot for a while. we both got pooped on at least once. oh! and she decided she wanted to start eating other things!! for the past two weeks, she has been eating an egg yolk at which ever meal she chooses- when she starts throwing herself at the food we are sitting down to eat, we boil an egg for her. its awesome to see her lunge at the tiny spoon with an open mouth and swallow! she likes to hold it too. we are open to what she wants and it seems like she is doing well on it. no negative physical reactions. see this if you are interested in how we will start feeding her.
Moving in to our own space has come with its pos and neg sides. its really nice to be in our own space but vivi is having a difficult time adjusting to it, especially to all the new places we are going. she wont sleep went she is tired because curiosity is so much more interesting and she wants to know what is going on! it makes for a very tired mama and baby team. sometimes she wont pee when i know she needs to and im not sure why, maybe because she is feeling everything is unfamiliar. then she pees all over a few min later when she decides to let go.
i am having difficulty transitioning, and especially to feeling alone with a baby all day. trying to find connections quickly...but i am finding i dont really fit in with the other anthroposophical moms it feels dogmatic. i think i would get along better with punk mamas who are more open and alternative. i went to a play group and felt really out of the group philosophy. we like to pick and choose what type of 'parenting' philosophies we want, not all or nothing. and i superly dont like that the mothers are all sitting around watching their children and doing knitting projects. maybe in the winter but now?? its so hot and they have such a big lawn space. i cant even describe the joy both of us had in seeing how fremont community school has come alive since i stopped working there, and how Tara the head teacher has brought in the importance of teaching kids young how they can help save the earth. with the chickens and composting piles, the pot belly pig and huge garden. its so awesome. and its about kids seeing actively working adults that they can help if they want, along with all the imaginative play they engage in... anyway i am hoping to connect with other families soon.
lets see working back a few more weeks, we were in seattle for two weeks, and overall had a pretty good time. it was really awesome to see my sibblings and share vivi with them. i am sad i dont get to know them and be with them more. we were glad to be able to be at heathers wedding and celebrate with her and jin. we saw alot of my friends and that was really great too. everybody we met is leading their life unique and beautiful, it was wonderful to be in the presence of so many rad people! i miss being around positive alternative young people. it makes me so grateful for the people i know back in seattle. it is such a awesome place. it was also fun starting to look at what farming could like in the pacific northwest for us were we to move back. we found more opportunities in a few hours than we found all winter here in germany. and really cool ones, mostly up north and one up on lopez island. the only reason we are here in germany longer is that we dont have money to fly back now. so we have to earn money before we can come back to the states or travel anymore anywhere.
the major bummer of our trip was the drama created by and surrounding my mom. its crazy how she has decided to push all four of her older children further and further away. we are both curious how the next three will be. ralf told me that if he had to live with this he would have run away as soon as he could, probably around 16, he wonders why i didnt... after she yelled and started controlling what ralf and i could do in her house, as her guests we decided we would no longer play along with this game she has going with everyone. it was really out of control. at one point i was told that my exposed breast was offensive and inappropriate for her young innocent children to see. no, vivi was not drinking. she was playing with my nipple. but to see the look on my 7yr old brothers face, that his oldest sister is doing something bad. i couldnt believe it. and she breastfed all of us! WTF!
let me just say that i still feel upset, becoming aware that the relationship that i thought we had come to was completely bullshit really hurts. i want a mom. really. i love talking with her. but when trust is totally shattered? when you are treated as if you are a child? living with ralfs parents has been such a different experience, and really positive to see just how fucking crazy my family is. her coming to germany and us welcoming her were thrown back in our faces the second day we were in seattle. she told me i had no right to invite my friend without her permission over to her house(the friend happened to be my sister, who at one point when we hated each other, pre puberty, taped us together for a whole day, but who i shared the same room with for 5 years!!) . then to act a few days later like nothing had happened and everything was all fine and dandy. no that type of behavior requires an apology. and not forced. but both of us experiencing that type of shit (it wasnt chocolate cake) was more of like a shock and awe bombing of what type of family mine is. the same mother that at one point was being told she wasnt respecting the leader in the house because of what she was doing, turns around and uses the same exact wording that we arent respecting her. truly unbelievable for me.
and then at a really large wedding after so much change and new people and places, i felt so much heat for not letting all of everyone in my extended family hold my baby. the faces and angry eyes, even angry comments was really too bad. but it helps me really realize who sees and accepts me where i am- an adult, a parent, an individual with my own ideas and boundaries.
similar experiences or not in the least, just talking would be real nice. and if you can skype to my land line thats even better!
no pics tonight maybe in a few days. we havent taken the time recently.